ACCEPT NO IMITATIONS

I am told that a website have done a review of Christmas Sandwiches that they reckon is a definitive guide.

Well, I reckon it's bloody nonsense. And I should know.

The Christmas Sandwich Index- the beginners guide

Hello Christmas Sandwich fans. If you're reading this, it's because you are interested in Christmas Sandwiches, or interested in humouring me and making this actually rather excruciating endeavour seem, in some small way, a valid use of my time. Either way, thanks for getting this far.

To anyone unfamiliar with the Christmas Sandwich Index, it is best explained thus; I have developed a scoring system with which to properly evaluate the quality of the Christmas Sandwiches found on our high streets. It is in no way a conclusive system, but it's better than any other system you or anyone else can come up with, so it's pretty definitive as far as I am concerned. And I am really concerned.

There are 4 scoring categories;

• Festivity of packaging - the more festive the packaging, the higher the score.
• Depth of filling- the deeper the filling, the higher the score.
• Ratio of filling- the better balanced the filling, the higher the score.
• Overall flavour- the tastier the sandwich, the higher the score.

Pretty easy, eh? Now, the way I look at it is, the perfect Christmas Sandwich should, in essence, be the contents of a plate at 3pm on the 25th of December being scraped onto a slice of bread, with the added moistness of mayonnaise. Anything above and beyond that is nonsense. Hence, expect to see me get riled about the presence of such daftness as crispy onions, spinach, lambs lettuce etc. In short, if it's not something you'd have in your Christmas dinner, I'm going take points off for it.

That's about the height of it. If you have theories, please share them with me. If this is a collaborative effort, it makes me seem far less like I've got nothing of value in my life.

I'm at it again.

I really shouldn't bother, but I've nothing else to do.

CSI; MARKS AND SPENCER

FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING;

There's a Santa there, but not a normal Santa. It's one of those ones you get in shops where you get cast iron doorstops in the shape of a cat and faux-rustic lavender scented cushions. There's a vague snowy scene and some coniferous vegetation along the top, like a wallpaper border in a country kitchen. On closer inspection, the window into the sandwich is enclosed in a rudimentary bauble shape. It's better than previous M+S entries, but it's too classy to be considered anything close to jolly. It's Patrick Stewart in a panto. Good, but you want Biggins, dont you?

6

DEPTH OF FILLING;

Strong. A uniform density across the whole latitude of the sandwich. There's no centre loading, all edges look fulfilled. It looks like if I freeze-dried it, I could use it in a step aerobics class. All individual ingredients are visible and I cannot see the slightest hint of green. I dont see any reasonable way this could be fuller. Anything more than a chocolate digestive and an actimel after this, I'm going to feel uncomfortable.

9

RATIO OF FILLING;

Initial impression good. Good-sized chunks of gobblebird, evenly distributed and the bacon looks well judged in terms of colour and volume. The volume of stuffing looks accurate as well. Cranberry seems good. According to the ingredient information, there should maybe be slightly more bacon, but, for me, this looks as though it could have been assembled by the pedantic offspring of Carol Vorderman and Brian Cox.

8

OVERALL FLAVOUR;

Bite. The extreme edge is actually quite dry, but the bread is fresh and tasty. The turkey sneaks in to the back of palate, quietly, like it's reading my tonguebuds a bedtime story. It's good quality turkey. Still a little dry, but the cohesion of the ingredients is good. Alchemy. The cranberry is at optimum sweetness, giving butterfly kisses to my throat as it travels down on the salty bacon. The second half of the sandwich is better, still. It tastes Christmassy, almost as if you made it at home yourself, and didnt spread the mayo enough, because you were too excited to eat it. This is as close to homemade as shop-bought gets. It's Boxing Day, 10pm, after a brisk walk back from 5 pints in the local. Well done M+S.

16

FESTIVITY- 6

FILLING- 8.5

FLAVOUR- 8

TOTAL- 7.5

CONCLUSION;

This is a great sandwich. It suffers from a lack of festivity in the packaging, but to all intents and purposes, it's easy to imagine this being the sandwich that Santa himself eats on the drive back to Lapland. And he may even look at the package and think- "when did they see me wearing my casual clothes?"

CSI; EAT

PACKAGING;

In a word, poor. In a paragraph, the font is blocky, and although it's red it smacks of a warning sign in a disused bus shelter. No snowflakes or anything, just one Christmas tree. There are more Christmas trees along the side, and they're designed to make you think they're cuter than they are. It's the classic technique used by teachers who paint the sets of the nativity themselves, but kind of use a mental kiddy-filter, and make them a bit crappy so parents think their little cherubs have an artistic streak. "Woah, Ben, that is a brilliant Christmas Tree!" Sorry, Mr Johnson, your Ben was too busy putting straws up his nose, the teacher drew this.

3

DEPTH;

Bit of centre loading, but I can see everything and it all looks decent. A LOT of stuffing thickness to the East of the southern sandwich, but that's fine. I think there's been a slicer malfunction here. There's a bit of green, but it's not being used as sandwich botox. It's an afterthought. One I wish wasnt there, but it wont affect the marks at this point. Club biscuit, mug of milk and I'm done till tea time.

7

RATIO;

Mixed emotions, initially. A lot of stuffing here present. It looks good quality, but with the amount of turkey and ham, maybe slightly misjudged. However, in the other segment of the sandwich, this is addressed and looks far more reassuring. On inspection of the second half of the sandwich, I refer to the box; 20% turkey, 14% stuffing, 10% ham. This is as close as can be to the 4:3:2 perfect ratio as I've ever seen. Well done, EAT, you've given me some semblance of self worth. Like all this hasnt been a waste of time. But why'd you put lettuce in?

8

OVERALL FLAVOUR;

Bite. Initially, because of the stuffing mistake, I get punched on the mouthpiece by stuffing. And it's nice, but it's too much. Like Ant and Dec. Second bite comes in and it's better- less stuffing, and the turkey and ham swagger into the oral bowling alley, giving high fives to adoring tastebuds and maybe kissing the odd one on the cheek. Lettuce limps in to ruin the party, but he's drowned out soon enough. There's a great smokiness to the ham, but it's gone too soon. But the second half of the sandwich, as hinted in the ratio, it sings. It's wonderful. When everything in this sandwich is aligned, it's really good. The lettuce is as welcome as Mitt Romney at Germaine Greer's house, but it doesn't spoil it. This sandwich is an accurate assembly away from being close to perfect.

16

12 SANDWICHES OF CHRISTMAS SCORING;

FESTIVITY; 3

FILLING; 7.5

FLAVOUR; 8

OVERALL- 6.1

CONCLUSION;

This is a good sandwich and like many of the classier outfits, they're too lazy to package it nicely. But in terms of flavour, this chap will be hard to beat.

CSI; WAITROSE

FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING;

I'm thrown a little by this. It's outside what I'd normally consider "festive", but I like it. Red and green are proper Christmas colours, classically, and it looks like a woolly stocking. I have a heart of stone (and kidneys full of them thanks to these reviews), but even I am not unmoved by this. There are even woolen snowflakes, which, if on a non-woolen motif, would still register points. They've used a nice joined up font for the word "Christmas", again dotting the "i" with a star, but the rest of the font looks a bit like signage at a municipal swimming pool somewhere in the former Soviet Republic. A curve ball. Hard to score. But I've managed it.

7

DEPTH OF FILLING;

Straddling the area between reasonable and reasonable. Mostly everything visible and stretches to both extremities of the sandwich. I am pretty disappointed by the green in evidence, but encouraged by the layer of cranberry red. Perhaps they wanted to recreate the colour scheme from the packaging. Which is stupid of them. Seems to be enough to turkey here, but not sure about where the stuffing's at. Hmmm. Snack snize Mars bar or a snack size Mars bar AND a fun size Mars bar. Or just a Mars bar.

7

RATIO OF FILLING;

Even in the realms of spinach, there is far too much spinach. Even if this had been advertised as a spinach sandwich, there is still more spinach than is reasonably needed in any meal. There is plenty of gobble-bird. It's sort of been shredded from the looks of things. I like the thinking behind this, as in terms of moistness, thick slabs of the bird are far harder to lather up in your mouthpiece. Even with this in mind, there's a decent amount of cranberry redness. The bacon is a cause for concern. That bacon is irrelevant looking, slightly anaemic. Maybe that's why they rammed in a load of spinach, to get the pig's iron levels up. The pig's dead already, James Herriot. What were you thinking?

6

OVERALL FLAVOUR;

Bite. The turkey and stuffing embark on a relationship on my tongue. They get on well and I am hopeful for their future. There's a decent level of wetness, supplied by a red and white combo of cranberry and mayo. It doesn't last though, and soon there's a certain pleasant dryness to the chew, like an ambient conservatory in the spring. I wish for more of the sweetness of the cranberry, but it's not forthcoming. The stuffing is good and, oddly, the spinach is nothing more than a texture. It's not unpleasant, but it is completely unnecessary. Like the ones that aren't Beyonce in Destiny's Child. The bacon stays away for the most part, as if it doesn't want to be a gooseberry around the turkey and stuffing. As I get through the sandwich, it emerges as a pretty bland experience. It's a pleasant enough sandwich, but it's not Christmassy enough. There's no joy to it. It's a stoic, quiet sandwich, happy to be the sandwich hastily eaten in the Chelsea tractor before the kids have to be picked up from swimming. Almost exactly what you'd expect from Waitrose.

13

12 SANDWICHES OF CHRISTMAS SCORING;

FESTIVITY; 7
FILLING; 6.5
FLAVOUR; 6.5

OVERALL; 6.6

An uninspiring Sandwich from Waitrose. You might feel inspired to shrug your shoulders. Or to have a yoghurt. But that's it.

CSI; MORRISONS

Price £2.20

FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING

Orange. The colour orange, festooned with Christmas Trees. They've put all their creative juices into the joined up font on the word "Christmas" on the label, and done the 14 year-old girl's star above the lower case "i" thing. Kind of festive, I suppose, but not as festive as a picture of a Polar bear high fiving Santa. The Christmas Trees are plentiful and of a faux-retro style. I reckon Wayne Hemmingway has pyjamas like this, but that's just speculation. A clunky, half-thought out design, but with a lot of Christmas Trees.

6

DEPTH OF FILLING

Reasonable. I can see everything on offer, it's well spread and there's no deceitful centreloading. The bread's a bit thin and not appealing looking. It's not very exciting this sandwich. It looks fine. A sandwich you'd be happier introducing to your parents over your mates. It's a Ford Focus. I reckon I could comfortably manage a Snickers after this. And a mug of milk.

6

RATIO OF FILLING

Initially, I am heartened by the look of this. There's plenty of poultry, evenly spread. The bacon looks well judged, good coverage, but thin enough to dispel worry it'll overpower the bird. I do worry this might be an arrid sandwich, as there's not much of the ruby red around. Cranberry is the Rebecca Loos of the Christmas Sandwich. It's there to lube up the bacon. Not enough and we may have a problem. Ingredient information initially allays those fears, but flags up other issues. Not as good as I thought.

7



OVERALL FLAVOUR

BITE. Stuffing first, and it tastes pretty decent. Tastes homemade, but by someone who's only *quite* good at cooking. By the end of the last chew, as if beckoned by the Trashmen, the turkey surfs in on the wake of the stuffing. The bird is the word. And it's pretty good. The second bite encompasses all aspects of the sandwich, but tastes like the first, although now the turkey is dominant. There is actually very little flavour from the the bacon that appeared so well judged and, as predicted, the cranberry is nowhere to be found in my fowl-filled-face. The bread's pretty dry and the cranberry's doing nothing to help it. The last little bacon piggy has gone "wee wee wee wee" all the way nowhere. He just stayed in his flat, watching Morecambe and Wise. When he pokes his head round the door, he throws a trotterfull of salt at my tongue, then goes back inside. The turkey is left to sweep bits of stuffing up from his doorstep, rub them into his feathers, then slip down my gullet. A strong start, but a poor finish.

11

12 SANDWICHES OF CHRISTMAS SCORING;

FESTIVITY; 6
FILLING; 6.5
FLAVOUR; 5.5

OVERALL- 6

Conclusion;

Plain. I don't think I ever really expected anything other than average from this. It tastes like a turkey and stuffing sandwich, but it doesn't taste like Christmas.