CSI; MARKS AND SPENCER

FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING;

There's a Santa there, but not a normal Santa. It's one of those ones you get in shops where you get cast iron doorstops in the shape of a cat and faux-rustic lavender scented cushions. There's a vague snowy scene and some coniferous vegetation along the top, like a wallpaper border in a country kitchen. On closer inspection, the window into the sandwich is enclosed in a rudimentary bauble shape. It's better than previous M+S entries, but it's too classy to be considered anything close to jolly. It's Patrick Stewart in a panto. Good, but you want Biggins, dont you?

6

DEPTH OF FILLING;

Strong. A uniform density across the whole latitude of the sandwich. There's no centre loading, all edges look fulfilled. It looks like if I freeze-dried it, I could use it in a step aerobics class. All individual ingredients are visible and I cannot see the slightest hint of green. I dont see any reasonable way this could be fuller. Anything more than a chocolate digestive and an actimel after this, I'm going to feel uncomfortable.

9

RATIO OF FILLING;

Initial impression good. Good-sized chunks of gobblebird, evenly distributed and the bacon looks well judged in terms of colour and volume. The volume of stuffing looks accurate as well. Cranberry seems good. According to the ingredient information, there should maybe be slightly more bacon, but, for me, this looks as though it could have been assembled by the pedantic offspring of Carol Vorderman and Brian Cox.

8

OVERALL FLAVOUR;

Bite. The extreme edge is actually quite dry, but the bread is fresh and tasty. The turkey sneaks in to the back of palate, quietly, like it's reading my tonguebuds a bedtime story. It's good quality turkey. Still a little dry, but the cohesion of the ingredients is good. Alchemy. The cranberry is at optimum sweetness, giving butterfly kisses to my throat as it travels down on the salty bacon. The second half of the sandwich is better, still. It tastes Christmassy, almost as if you made it at home yourself, and didnt spread the mayo enough, because you were too excited to eat it. This is as close to homemade as shop-bought gets. It's Boxing Day, 10pm, after a brisk walk back from 5 pints in the local. Well done M+S.

16

FESTIVITY- 6

FILLING- 8.5

FLAVOUR- 8

TOTAL- 7.5

CONCLUSION;

This is a great sandwich. It suffers from a lack of festivity in the packaging, but to all intents and purposes, it's easy to imagine this being the sandwich that Santa himself eats on the drive back to Lapland. And he may even look at the package and think- "when did they see me wearing my casual clothes?"

CSI; EAT

PACKAGING;

In a word, poor. In a paragraph, the font is blocky, and although it's red it smacks of a warning sign in a disused bus shelter. No snowflakes or anything, just one Christmas tree. There are more Christmas trees along the side, and they're designed to make you think they're cuter than they are. It's the classic technique used by teachers who paint the sets of the nativity themselves, but kind of use a mental kiddy-filter, and make them a bit crappy so parents think their little cherubs have an artistic streak. "Woah, Ben, that is a brilliant Christmas Tree!" Sorry, Mr Johnson, your Ben was too busy putting straws up his nose, the teacher drew this.

3

DEPTH;

Bit of centre loading, but I can see everything and it all looks decent. A LOT of stuffing thickness to the East of the southern sandwich, but that's fine. I think there's been a slicer malfunction here. There's a bit of green, but it's not being used as sandwich botox. It's an afterthought. One I wish wasnt there, but it wont affect the marks at this point. Club biscuit, mug of milk and I'm done till tea time.

7

RATIO;

Mixed emotions, initially. A lot of stuffing here present. It looks good quality, but with the amount of turkey and ham, maybe slightly misjudged. However, in the other segment of the sandwich, this is addressed and looks far more reassuring. On inspection of the second half of the sandwich, I refer to the box; 20% turkey, 14% stuffing, 10% ham. This is as close as can be to the 4:3:2 perfect ratio as I've ever seen. Well done, EAT, you've given me some semblance of self worth. Like all this hasnt been a waste of time. But why'd you put lettuce in?

8

OVERALL FLAVOUR;

Bite. Initially, because of the stuffing mistake, I get punched on the mouthpiece by stuffing. And it's nice, but it's too much. Like Ant and Dec. Second bite comes in and it's better- less stuffing, and the turkey and ham swagger into the oral bowling alley, giving high fives to adoring tastebuds and maybe kissing the odd one on the cheek. Lettuce limps in to ruin the party, but he's drowned out soon enough. There's a great smokiness to the ham, but it's gone too soon. But the second half of the sandwich, as hinted in the ratio, it sings. It's wonderful. When everything in this sandwich is aligned, it's really good. The lettuce is as welcome as Mitt Romney at Germaine Greer's house, but it doesn't spoil it. This sandwich is an accurate assembly away from being close to perfect.

16

12 SANDWICHES OF CHRISTMAS SCORING;

FESTIVITY; 3

FILLING; 7.5

FLAVOUR; 8

OVERALL- 6.1

CONCLUSION;

This is a good sandwich and like many of the classier outfits, they're too lazy to package it nicely. But in terms of flavour, this chap will be hard to beat.

CSI; WAITROSE

FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING;

I'm thrown a little by this. It's outside what I'd normally consider "festive", but I like it. Red and green are proper Christmas colours, classically, and it looks like a woolly stocking. I have a heart of stone (and kidneys full of them thanks to these reviews), but even I am not unmoved by this. There are even woolen snowflakes, which, if on a non-woolen motif, would still register points. They've used a nice joined up font for the word "Christmas", again dotting the "i" with a star, but the rest of the font looks a bit like signage at a municipal swimming pool somewhere in the former Soviet Republic. A curve ball. Hard to score. But I've managed it.

7

DEPTH OF FILLING;

Straddling the area between reasonable and reasonable. Mostly everything visible and stretches to both extremities of the sandwich. I am pretty disappointed by the green in evidence, but encouraged by the layer of cranberry red. Perhaps they wanted to recreate the colour scheme from the packaging. Which is stupid of them. Seems to be enough to turkey here, but not sure about where the stuffing's at. Hmmm. Snack snize Mars bar or a snack size Mars bar AND a fun size Mars bar. Or just a Mars bar.

7

RATIO OF FILLING;

Even in the realms of spinach, there is far too much spinach. Even if this had been advertised as a spinach sandwich, there is still more spinach than is reasonably needed in any meal. There is plenty of gobble-bird. It's sort of been shredded from the looks of things. I like the thinking behind this, as in terms of moistness, thick slabs of the bird are far harder to lather up in your mouthpiece. Even with this in mind, there's a decent amount of cranberry redness. The bacon is a cause for concern. That bacon is irrelevant looking, slightly anaemic. Maybe that's why they rammed in a load of spinach, to get the pig's iron levels up. The pig's dead already, James Herriot. What were you thinking?

6

OVERALL FLAVOUR;

Bite. The turkey and stuffing embark on a relationship on my tongue. They get on well and I am hopeful for their future. There's a decent level of wetness, supplied by a red and white combo of cranberry and mayo. It doesn't last though, and soon there's a certain pleasant dryness to the chew, like an ambient conservatory in the spring. I wish for more of the sweetness of the cranberry, but it's not forthcoming. The stuffing is good and, oddly, the spinach is nothing more than a texture. It's not unpleasant, but it is completely unnecessary. Like the ones that aren't Beyonce in Destiny's Child. The bacon stays away for the most part, as if it doesn't want to be a gooseberry around the turkey and stuffing. As I get through the sandwich, it emerges as a pretty bland experience. It's a pleasant enough sandwich, but it's not Christmassy enough. There's no joy to it. It's a stoic, quiet sandwich, happy to be the sandwich hastily eaten in the Chelsea tractor before the kids have to be picked up from swimming. Almost exactly what you'd expect from Waitrose.

13

12 SANDWICHES OF CHRISTMAS SCORING;

FESTIVITY; 7
FILLING; 6.5
FLAVOUR; 6.5

OVERALL; 6.6

An uninspiring Sandwich from Waitrose. You might feel inspired to shrug your shoulders. Or to have a yoghurt. But that's it.

CSI; MORRISONS

Price £2.20

FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING

Orange. The colour orange, festooned with Christmas Trees. They've put all their creative juices into the joined up font on the word "Christmas" on the label, and done the 14 year-old girl's star above the lower case "i" thing. Kind of festive, I suppose, but not as festive as a picture of a Polar bear high fiving Santa. The Christmas Trees are plentiful and of a faux-retro style. I reckon Wayne Hemmingway has pyjamas like this, but that's just speculation. A clunky, half-thought out design, but with a lot of Christmas Trees.

6

DEPTH OF FILLING

Reasonable. I can see everything on offer, it's well spread and there's no deceitful centreloading. The bread's a bit thin and not appealing looking. It's not very exciting this sandwich. It looks fine. A sandwich you'd be happier introducing to your parents over your mates. It's a Ford Focus. I reckon I could comfortably manage a Snickers after this. And a mug of milk.

6

RATIO OF FILLING

Initially, I am heartened by the look of this. There's plenty of poultry, evenly spread. The bacon looks well judged, good coverage, but thin enough to dispel worry it'll overpower the bird. I do worry this might be an arrid sandwich, as there's not much of the ruby red around. Cranberry is the Rebecca Loos of the Christmas Sandwich. It's there to lube up the bacon. Not enough and we may have a problem. Ingredient information initially allays those fears, but flags up other issues. Not as good as I thought.

7



OVERALL FLAVOUR

BITE. Stuffing first, and it tastes pretty decent. Tastes homemade, but by someone who's only *quite* good at cooking. By the end of the last chew, as if beckoned by the Trashmen, the turkey surfs in on the wake of the stuffing. The bird is the word. And it's pretty good. The second bite encompasses all aspects of the sandwich, but tastes like the first, although now the turkey is dominant. There is actually very little flavour from the the bacon that appeared so well judged and, as predicted, the cranberry is nowhere to be found in my fowl-filled-face. The bread's pretty dry and the cranberry's doing nothing to help it. The last little bacon piggy has gone "wee wee wee wee" all the way nowhere. He just stayed in his flat, watching Morecambe and Wise. When he pokes his head round the door, he throws a trotterfull of salt at my tongue, then goes back inside. The turkey is left to sweep bits of stuffing up from his doorstep, rub them into his feathers, then slip down my gullet. A strong start, but a poor finish.

11

12 SANDWICHES OF CHRISTMAS SCORING;

FESTIVITY; 6
FILLING; 6.5
FLAVOUR; 5.5

OVERALL- 6

Conclusion;

Plain. I don't think I ever really expected anything other than average from this. It tastes like a turkey and stuffing sandwich, but it doesn't taste like Christmas.

CSI; SAINSBURYS

FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING

Yeah, reasonable. They've gone for a red and orange motif, like a birthday candle set against a sunset, or some of blood on a can of Fanta. I think it's meant to symbolise wrapping paper, which is quite Christmassy, but not as Christmassy as if they'd just put the sandwich in a football sock and hung it off of a fireplace. There are some swirly fireworks which incorporate holly and snowflakes, but the font is standard Sainsburys, which is bloody lazy. The side of the box is a bit more high-design and looks the wrapping paper Ebeneezer Scrooge may have used for his gifts of guilt to Bob Cratchett’s family. All Victorian and sinister.

6

DEPTH OF FILLING

Pretty average here. I can see uniformly cut tiles of turkey and layers of bacon and a fairly robust smearing of red at each border of the sandwich. There’s a hint of green evident, but so little as to wonder why they bothered at all. Maybe they only wanted to half ruin the sandwich, not completely. The extreme edges of the sandwich look like they might be dry and the stuffing looks like it’s been used as an adhesive rather than an ingredient.

6

RATIO OF FILLING

Early indications a similar level of bacon to turkey, which is not that clever. Ingredient information suggests this is not the case, but unless my eyes deceive me, there’s not as much between them in this sandwich. One side of the bread has been absolutely slathered with cranberry and looks like Dracula’s napkin. There are weird smatterings of lettuce and I cannot define the stuffing. There’s a sage and onion mayo here, apparently, and the stuffing looks like it has whisked into it. Bacon looks tasty though, I’ll say that for it, but the stuffing concerns me.

6

OVERALL FLAVOUR

Bite. Stuffing first. It’s sagey, perhaps overly so. Not much flavour of turkey here, or bacon, not yet. Something flavourless crunches in my mouth. I cannot be sure what this is. I assume it’s lettuce. Second bite dumps a load of cranberry into my mouth, which merges with the stuffingmush to create the sensation that someone has just fed me a teaspoonful of jam, which they farted on a minute ago for a laugh. The centre bite harvests every ingredient into my mouthpiece, and yet my pert tastebuds cannot decipher any turkey here at all. Second half of the sandwich is the same. The turkey, even in isolation is fairly bland. I power through the whole sandwich, never encountering a solitary taste of anything but cranberry and wet sagey mush. A streak of the bacon briefly blows my tongue a kiss, but it’s too late. This is not very nice.

10

12 SANDWICHES OF CHRISTMAS SCORING;

FESTIVITY; 6

FILLING; 6

FLAVOUR; 5

OVERALL; 5.6

In conclusion, this is a sandwich that is ill conceived and poorly executed. It tastes like a public execution. My tastebuds straining over one another to catch a glimpse of the action, but there are really tall people standing right in front of the gallows. And they’re made of cranberry.

CSI; BOOTS

FESTIVITY

A deep red box, with the word "delicious" arrogantly splayed on it like the main one off of Mean Girls made it herself after prom. It also says "created by food lovers", but it doesn't say "for a joke" or anything afterwards, so it's clear this sandwich has pretty high opinion of itself. Which, for a package that posting only a heavily regimented pattern of snowflaked baubles, as if placed there by Kim Jung Il himself, is pretty fucking punchy. Not festive enough, and the font is rubbish.

5

DEPTH

Quite reasonable. In keeping with the Great Leader motif, the fillings are uniformly spread out and reach to the edges. There's a weave of bacon and a certain collagen quality to the greenery, which I sense may be slightly deceitful. The bread itself is thicker than many I've seen, so this all may be conspiring to create a fuller sandwich than is actually present. There is a hint of the old "collapsed domino" formation in the turkey, which again is boosting the thickness. I think this is the festive sandwich equivalent to a wonderbra.

6

RATIO

Oh. I had to remove the bread segments like peeling an elastoplast from an armpit. It looks like a slice of bread has been seasoned from a great height by roughly cut pieces of food. It's almost as if they expected the bacon to go to seed in there and sprout more bacon to make up for it. I cant see any stuffing. I can see Peter Rabbit's lunch. The depth WAS deceptive, as I predicted. This is a sparsely loaded sanger. I'll need two rich teas with butter after this, and then another two dry ones to dip in my mug of milk. I look at the ratios in the nutritional information. They are a law unto themselves. A bad law. An outlaw. Flaw.

5

OVERALL FLAVOUR

Bite. Bread. Bread. Hint of bacon. Bread. Still chewing. This sandwich isnt so much dry as "airy". But not pleasant, like a room in a converted barn, but like someone has inflated it with a bacon fart. Bite. Finally get some turkey, which is actually quite reasonable, but sits in splendid isolation. No connection with the bacon or cranberry. And where's the stuffing? Nowhere in my mouth, that's for sure. The turkey itself is good, the sandwich is poor. No cohesion. Nothing to make it anything more than a disparate buffet served up on a yeasty lilo. Hang on- whooosh! I am broadsided by an odd, exceptionally unappealing flavour. Bang! It feels like old mother spinach has stepped onto her front doorstep and sluiced a load of onion into my mouth. Iron, sage and nausea spin me into a vertical dive and, when I do a burp, it feels as though my oesophagus has just lifted the lid off a compost bin. No thanks.

9

12 SANDWICHES OF CHRISTMAS SCORING

FESTIVITY; 5

FILLING; 5.5

FLAVOUR; 4.5

OVERALL- 5

No. Some of the ingredients are fine, but this is a bad sandwich. Like I said, when I'm happy buying condoms from Greggs, that's when I'll buy sandwiches from Boots.

CSI; TESCO FINEST

FESTIVITY

Silver and orange abound. Which is odd, as these aren’t classic festive colours. In the top corner there’s picture of the ingredients you’re going to find in the sandwich, but in small quantities and arranged like how someone on a diet might arrange them on top of a Ryvita. The December 26^th entry from a book by Fern Britten called “Day at a Time”. There’s a wrapping paper quality to the sides of them, with squiggly fireworks and pictures of snowflakes. The font is clumsy and uninspiring. The faded fairylights in the background suggest a Christmas Tree might be back there, but there isn’t, so we must assume this photo was taken in a female student’s bedroom. It’s a decent effort, this box, but it’s an effort all the same. Not even an outline of some holly can save it from its averageness.

5

DEPTH

Uniformly decently thick and mostly gets to both edges of the bread. All the ingredients are clearly visible and it all looks of decent quality. There’s a fair amount of stacked bacon, but I don’t think this sandwich is trying to be deceitful. I feel sure of it, but not inspired by it. This is the sandwich Peter Sissons makes on Boxing Day. After this, 2 chocolate hobnobs and a mug of milk will do me rightly.

8

RATIO

Woah. Instantly, I am concerned. There’s not a lot of bird here, that’s clear from the outset. There’s a lot of pork to contend with here- not only bacon, but also Lincolnshire sausage. It’s a plumber’s breakfast. I look at the ratios on the back of the box- in total there’s as much pig as there is bird, and only slightly less stuffing. This sandwich is strewn with errors. Where even is the suffing? Only well-appointed cranberry gets this any salvation.

4

OVERALL FLAVOUR

Bite. Sausage. Sausage. Bite. Sausage. Decent cranberry moistness. Centre bite, all ingredients slosh around my mouthpiece and my molars rattle them around, my tongue flicking around the cathedral of my chew chamber, desperately seeking poultry. Nothing. Sausage. It’s a sausage fest. It’s a University Rugby tour of a sausage fest and every bit as tasteless. Second sandwich offers no respite. Or rest bite. Sausage. I haul away a delicate strip of gobblebird and it’s decent in isolation. But in this sandwich, the only other flavour I get than sausage is mayonnaise. It tastes like a sandwich after barbecue cold cuts, not after Christmas Dinner. Maybe the y meant to sell this in Australia. Soon after I finish, I begin to cry out of disappointment, and glittering crystals form under my eyes. “WHERE ARE MY TEARS?!” I wail at the empty box. The box tells me “we’ve dried them up FOREVER”. 55% RDA of salt in this sandwich, and boy can I feel it, as I use my tongue to smooth out some edges on my bannisters at home.

10

TOTAL SCORE 27/50

A poor score from a previously strong contender.  Had expected more. And indeed, I got more. More sausage. 

CSI; HARRODS

Price; £4.25

FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING;

Woah. This is bloody rubbish. They've written "Harrods" twice, both in Harrods font. Which you might consider festive if it wasn't the same font they used on all their other products, year round. The only thing not in Harrods font is the word "MEAT", which is written in harsh capitals, like the signage of a stubborn butcher's shop in a village full of vegans. If you think the motif around the lower label might look like Ebeneezer Scrooge's wallpaper, and therefore could be slightly festive- think again. There's pheasant and goose there, yes- but also fishes and pineapples and a crab. This is as festive as a skip filled with dead birds. Never before have I given a zero. Here is a zero.

0

DEPTH OF FILLING;

This solid. It looks like something the legs in the old Tom and Jerry cartoons would sweep with a big broom. A big old doorstep of a sandwich. Full to both edges, contents all visible and good looking. Thin sliced turkey, but that's fine. The green is not deceitful- there's a thin layer only. Not ideal, but ok for thickness purposes. This is solid. It's a gamekeeper's lunchbox. Michael Winner's elevenses. After this, I'll manage nothing more than a hobnob and a mug of milk.

9

RATIO OF FILLING;

Hard to see what's what here. There's a lot of good looking gobblefowl here, which is positive. There's too much spinach, of course, but what's confusing me is the odd meat-like substance that looks a bit sausagey, but isn't, according to the ingredients. Hmm. Is it stuffing with a heavy pork content? I think so. I'm concerned by the apparent lack of cranberry and mayo on show, suggesting this could be a fairly dry sandwich. Indeed, when I lift the sanger out of the box, it does seem fairly dry on the outside. Harrods haven't bothered to give any contents information on the box- just what's in there, no proportional analysis. What are they trying to hide?

6

OVERALL FLAVOUR;

Bite. First flavour I get is really odd. It tastes a bit like paté. I think it might be what they are referring to as stuffing, but it definitely has a liver-like quality to it. It's not nice. The gobblefowl is sliced thinly, which is good as there's a greater surface area of it to bathe on your tonguepiece, and it is tasty. There's none of the regular sagey flavour of Christmas sandwiches, and there's not enough cranberry sweetness. It's a pretty dry experience altogether, and although they've used nice bread, the seeds on it sort of compound the dryness. It's like a satirical comment made by Wurzel Gummidge in July. Dry. It needs seasoning this sandwich. Not only salt and pepper, but most importantly, the season of goodwill. It doesn't taste Christmassy at all this, it tastes like a pensioner's picnic. The turkey and cranberry alone would be good, but the stuffing makes it all a bit livery, leaving a mucky texture around my mouth. Maybe Harrods use these sandwiches to smuggle out illegal foie-gras to their dedicated shoppers. Not for me thanks.

9

CONCLUSION;

I'm surprised at this. I was expecting overpriced and unfestive, but I was also expecting a nice taste. I did not get a nice taste. It tasted like I'd been fed it by an overbearing matron at a school for delinquent rich children in 1952. Is Christmas different in Knightsbridge?


12 SANDWICHES SCORING

FESTIVITY; 0
FILLING; 7.5
FLAVOUR; 4.5

OVERALL; 4

CSI; GREGGS

FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING;


Wow. This takes "not festive" to a whole new level. I guess the least festive thing that exists is the January credit card bill. Well, at least looking at that reminds you of Christmas. This packaging is the Christmas equivalent of leaving a casino at sunrise in the middle of July nursing a hangover and a dry mouth and wondering what a turkey is. The most festive thing about this packaging is the word "Christmas" and it's not even in a festive font. Because the whole wrapper is see-through, the predominant colour of the packaging is brown. Terrible. There's a bauble motif and a single golden star on the label, which just about manage to drag this away from simply being a sandwich in a box.

2/10

DEPTH OF FILLING;

I like the look of this. It's uneven, wanton almost. Centre loading of stuffing, which is a little silly because it distorts the sandwich, but I can also see there's a decent volume of turkey in there and they don't look shy on bacon or cranberry and no green abominations. There's the something of a free spirit about this sandwich, but I'm quite sure it doesn't annoyingly do fire-poi outside your tent at 4am.

7

RATIO OF FILLING;

Somewhere between decent and good. Under the turkey there, I can see a great deal of mayonnaise, but it's not spewing over the edges like a pubescent savoury volcano. The stuffing needs to be better distributed, but turkey to bacon seems good, as does actual amount of stuffing. Decent.

7

OVERALL FLAVOUR

Bite. Stuffing, initially. Strong flavour and texture, and it's definitely Paxo in nature. The textures all sit nicely in my mouthpiece, each chew a symphony for the teeth. I am struggling to taste turkey here, so strong and dominant is the stuffing. The bacon, too, succumbs under the weight of the stuffing. "WHY WONT YOU LOOK AT ME?!" the turkey screams at my tongue, as the stuffing continues its explicit dance in my mouth. "Because the stuffing got less on and she's shaking it right at me", I concede. Dejected, the pretty turkey puts on her cranberry and bacon two-piece back on and ambles back into the dressing room of my stomach, unnoticed. My tongue takes the stuffing home, wondering what might have been if the turkey had been just a little more forceful. That was the least-apt Christmas Sandwich parable I've come up with yet.

11

CONCLUSION

A hastily assembled sandwich that needed more respect for its contents. A good Christmas Sandwich is an ensemble, like Take That or Girls Aloud, where there's a definite best singer, but the other ones get a turn. This was Diana Ross and the Supremes. And the worst one of the Supremes was feeling bold.

*************************************************************************

12 SANDWICHES OF CHRISTMAS SCORING

FESTIVITY; 2
FILLING; 7
FLAVOUR; 5.5

OVERALL; 4.8