CSI; MORRISONS

Price £2.20

FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING

Orange. The colour orange, festooned with Christmas Trees. They've put all their creative juices into the joined up font on the word "Christmas" on the label, and done the 14 year-old girl's star above the lower case "i" thing. Kind of festive, I suppose, but not as festive as a picture of a Polar bear high fiving Santa. The Christmas Trees are plentiful and of a faux-retro style. I reckon Wayne Hemmingway has pyjamas like this, but that's just speculation. A clunky, half-thought out design, but with a lot of Christmas Trees.

6

DEPTH OF FILLING

Reasonable. I can see everything on offer, it's well spread and there's no deceitful centreloading. The bread's a bit thin and not appealing looking. It's not very exciting this sandwich. It looks fine. A sandwich you'd be happier introducing to your parents over your mates. It's a Ford Focus. I reckon I could comfortably manage a Snickers after this. And a mug of milk.

6

RATIO OF FILLING

Initially, I am heartened by the look of this. There's plenty of poultry, evenly spread. The bacon looks well judged, good coverage, but thin enough to dispel worry it'll overpower the bird. I do worry this might be an arrid sandwich, as there's not much of the ruby red around. Cranberry is the Rebecca Loos of the Christmas Sandwich. It's there to lube up the bacon. Not enough and we may have a problem. Ingredient information initially allays those fears, but flags up other issues. Not as good as I thought.

7



OVERALL FLAVOUR

BITE. Stuffing first, and it tastes pretty decent. Tastes homemade, but by someone who's only *quite* good at cooking. By the end of the last chew, as if beckoned by the Trashmen, the turkey surfs in on the wake of the stuffing. The bird is the word. And it's pretty good. The second bite encompasses all aspects of the sandwich, but tastes like the first, although now the turkey is dominant. There is actually very little flavour from the the bacon that appeared so well judged and, as predicted, the cranberry is nowhere to be found in my fowl-filled-face. The bread's pretty dry and the cranberry's doing nothing to help it. The last little bacon piggy has gone "wee wee wee wee" all the way nowhere. He just stayed in his flat, watching Morecambe and Wise. When he pokes his head round the door, he throws a trotterfull of salt at my tongue, then goes back inside. The turkey is left to sweep bits of stuffing up from his doorstep, rub them into his feathers, then slip down my gullet. A strong start, but a poor finish.

11

12 SANDWICHES OF CHRISTMAS SCORING;

FESTIVITY; 6
FILLING; 6.5
FLAVOUR; 5.5

OVERALL- 6

Conclusion;

Plain. I don't think I ever really expected anything other than average from this. It tastes like a turkey and stuffing sandwich, but it doesn't taste like Christmas.

CSI; TESCO FINEST

FESTIVITY

Silver and orange abound. Which is odd, as these aren’t classic festive colours. In the top corner there’s picture of the ingredients you’re going to find in the sandwich, but in small quantities and arranged like how someone on a diet might arrange them on top of a Ryvita. The December 26^th entry from a book by Fern Britten called “Day at a Time”. There’s a wrapping paper quality to the sides of them, with squiggly fireworks and pictures of snowflakes. The font is clumsy and uninspiring. The faded fairylights in the background suggest a Christmas Tree might be back there, but there isn’t, so we must assume this photo was taken in a female student’s bedroom. It’s a decent effort, this box, but it’s an effort all the same. Not even an outline of some holly can save it from its averageness.

5

DEPTH

Uniformly decently thick and mostly gets to both edges of the bread. All the ingredients are clearly visible and it all looks of decent quality. There’s a fair amount of stacked bacon, but I don’t think this sandwich is trying to be deceitful. I feel sure of it, but not inspired by it. This is the sandwich Peter Sissons makes on Boxing Day. After this, 2 chocolate hobnobs and a mug of milk will do me rightly.

8

RATIO

Woah. Instantly, I am concerned. There’s not a lot of bird here, that’s clear from the outset. There’s a lot of pork to contend with here- not only bacon, but also Lincolnshire sausage. It’s a plumber’s breakfast. I look at the ratios on the back of the box- in total there’s as much pig as there is bird, and only slightly less stuffing. This sandwich is strewn with errors. Where even is the suffing? Only well-appointed cranberry gets this any salvation.

4

OVERALL FLAVOUR

Bite. Sausage. Sausage. Bite. Sausage. Decent cranberry moistness. Centre bite, all ingredients slosh around my mouthpiece and my molars rattle them around, my tongue flicking around the cathedral of my chew chamber, desperately seeking poultry. Nothing. Sausage. It’s a sausage fest. It’s a University Rugby tour of a sausage fest and every bit as tasteless. Second sandwich offers no respite. Or rest bite. Sausage. I haul away a delicate strip of gobblebird and it’s decent in isolation. But in this sandwich, the only other flavour I get than sausage is mayonnaise. It tastes like a sandwich after barbecue cold cuts, not after Christmas Dinner. Maybe the y meant to sell this in Australia. Soon after I finish, I begin to cry out of disappointment, and glittering crystals form under my eyes. “WHERE ARE MY TEARS?!” I wail at the empty box. The box tells me “we’ve dried them up FOREVER”. 55% RDA of salt in this sandwich, and boy can I feel it, as I use my tongue to smooth out some edges on my bannisters at home.

10

TOTAL SCORE 27/50

A poor score from a previously strong contender.  Had expected more. And indeed, I got more. More sausage.