I am a food blogger and I think I have a really good idea for a seasonal television programme you could put on your network.
For the last two years, I have been reviewing every single Christmas Sandwich available on the High Street, according to my system called the "CSI", or "The Christmas Sandwich Index". Here is the methodology in full for your perusal;
Right, from the outset I must state that this is not a foolproof system. As it is a mathematical theory, it is impossible to allow for subjective feelings. But here it is.
The Christmas Sandwich Index, or CSI, is a system of scoring how good, or otherwise, a Christmas Sandwich is, based on the following factors;
- Ratio of fillings
- Depth of filling
- Festivity of Packaging
- Overall taste
RATIO OF FILLING;
According to my system, the perfect filling ratio is 4:3:2:1 of turkey, stuffing, sausage, cranberry sauce. I have chosen these ingredients as they seem to be the staple components of the High Street Christmas Sandwich. Therefore, for every "1" of cranberry sauce, there should be "4" of turkey and so on. While I understand personal preference may be for slightly more sausage to stuffing, for example, I think that, in general, this ratio seems to fit what most people would consider proper.
According to the CSI, Ratio of Filling commands a score out of 10, where 1 is a bad ratio of filling (3:1:5:1 for example) and 10 is perfect (4:3:2:1 by my scoring system).
DEPTH OF FILLING;
In short, the thicker the better. More filling is better. The Depth of Filling also commands a score out of 10, where 1 is flimsy and 10 is buxom and satisfying.
FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING;
Snowflakes, Santas, Snowmen, Penguins in hats stuff like that. Festivity of Packaging commands a score out of 10, where 1 is not festive at all and 10 is Santa's underpants.
OVERALL TASTE;
Speaks for itself. How nice does the bite feel on your tonguepiece? What about the bread- is it doughy and delicious or white cackhandles? Is the sandwich moist like a fresh lemon cake or dry like a polystyrene biscuit? Is the turkey fresh breast or reformed, rolled, water-filled garbagebird? Considering all the factors, how delicious is the sandwich? Given the importance of taste in all things edible, Overall Taste commands a score of 20 points, where 1 is a sponge full of bin juice and 20 is the nipples of Venus herself.
************************************************************************
The sandwich now has a preliminary score out of 50. Let's say it's 35.
Multiply it by 100.
Now, take the price of the sandwich. Let's say it was £3.50. Convert it into pence.
You now have a figure somewhere in the hundreds, 350 in our example.
Divide your sandwich's score by its price in pence.
3500/350
And you have its CSI score.
In this example, a CSI score of 10. The higher the CSI Score, the better the sandwich, according to the theory.
So, I have eaten and reviewed every Christmas sandwich from major High Street retailers for the last two years, and feel I have a pretty thorough knowledge as to what is a good Christmas Sandwich. My idea is to transpose these reviews from only partially successful blogging to hugely successful television programmes. My idea would be that you supply a camera and 10 minutes of airtime a week between the end of November and Christmas Day. I don't require any payment, although I would probably ask if you could pay for the sandwiches I bought, although in fairness I can afford to buy them myself as well.
I feel my televisual style would lend itself wonderfully to the fine pantheon of presenters you already boast on your network. Think somewhere between Adam Richman and the Barefoot Contessa. Standing outside Boots the chemist, complaining about how bloody awful their parsnip pate is. I think it would go very well in the ratings, and I have already had a knockback from the Observer Food Monthly, which goes some way to showing the kind of high-end work I am producing and the sort of excellence I am aiming at.
Please let me know if providing a camera is a problem, as a friend of mine has already said he'd record it on his iphone. I think 10 minutes of airtime per week is entirely risk free from your point of view, especially when you consider I am at least as good looking as the aforementioned Barefoot Contessa and Adam Richman.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
CSI
PS With a title like "CSI", the show is bound to be a hit.
