CSI; TESCO FINEST

FESTIVITY

Silver and orange abound. Which is odd, as these aren’t classic festive colours. In the top corner there’s picture of the ingredients you’re going to find in the sandwich, but in small quantities and arranged like how someone on a diet might arrange them on top of a Ryvita. The December 26^th entry from a book by Fern Britten called “Day at a Time”. There’s a wrapping paper quality to the sides of them, with squiggly fireworks and pictures of snowflakes. The font is clumsy and uninspiring. The faded fairylights in the background suggest a Christmas Tree might be back there, but there isn’t, so we must assume this photo was taken in a female student’s bedroom. It’s a decent effort, this box, but it’s an effort all the same. Not even an outline of some holly can save it from its averageness.

5

DEPTH

Uniformly decently thick and mostly gets to both edges of the bread. All the ingredients are clearly visible and it all looks of decent quality. There’s a fair amount of stacked bacon, but I don’t think this sandwich is trying to be deceitful. I feel sure of it, but not inspired by it. This is the sandwich Peter Sissons makes on Boxing Day. After this, 2 chocolate hobnobs and a mug of milk will do me rightly.

8

RATIO

Woah. Instantly, I am concerned. There’s not a lot of bird here, that’s clear from the outset. There’s a lot of pork to contend with here- not only bacon, but also Lincolnshire sausage. It’s a plumber’s breakfast. I look at the ratios on the back of the box- in total there’s as much pig as there is bird, and only slightly less stuffing. This sandwich is strewn with errors. Where even is the suffing? Only well-appointed cranberry gets this any salvation.

4

OVERALL FLAVOUR

Bite. Sausage. Sausage. Bite. Sausage. Decent cranberry moistness. Centre bite, all ingredients slosh around my mouthpiece and my molars rattle them around, my tongue flicking around the cathedral of my chew chamber, desperately seeking poultry. Nothing. Sausage. It’s a sausage fest. It’s a University Rugby tour of a sausage fest and every bit as tasteless. Second sandwich offers no respite. Or rest bite. Sausage. I haul away a delicate strip of gobblebird and it’s decent in isolation. But in this sandwich, the only other flavour I get than sausage is mayonnaise. It tastes like a sandwich after barbecue cold cuts, not after Christmas Dinner. Maybe the y meant to sell this in Australia. Soon after I finish, I begin to cry out of disappointment, and glittering crystals form under my eyes. “WHERE ARE MY TEARS?!” I wail at the empty box. The box tells me “we’ve dried them up FOREVER”. 55% RDA of salt in this sandwich, and boy can I feel it, as I use my tongue to smooth out some edges on my bannisters at home.

10

TOTAL SCORE 27/50

A poor score from a previously strong contender.  Had expected more. And indeed, I got more. More sausage. 

CSI; HARRODS

Price; £4.25

FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING;

Woah. This is bloody rubbish. They've written "Harrods" twice, both in Harrods font. Which you might consider festive if it wasn't the same font they used on all their other products, year round. The only thing not in Harrods font is the word "MEAT", which is written in harsh capitals, like the signage of a stubborn butcher's shop in a village full of vegans. If you think the motif around the lower label might look like Ebeneezer Scrooge's wallpaper, and therefore could be slightly festive- think again. There's pheasant and goose there, yes- but also fishes and pineapples and a crab. This is as festive as a skip filled with dead birds. Never before have I given a zero. Here is a zero.

0

DEPTH OF FILLING;

This solid. It looks like something the legs in the old Tom and Jerry cartoons would sweep with a big broom. A big old doorstep of a sandwich. Full to both edges, contents all visible and good looking. Thin sliced turkey, but that's fine. The green is not deceitful- there's a thin layer only. Not ideal, but ok for thickness purposes. This is solid. It's a gamekeeper's lunchbox. Michael Winner's elevenses. After this, I'll manage nothing more than a hobnob and a mug of milk.

9

RATIO OF FILLING;

Hard to see what's what here. There's a lot of good looking gobblefowl here, which is positive. There's too much spinach, of course, but what's confusing me is the odd meat-like substance that looks a bit sausagey, but isn't, according to the ingredients. Hmm. Is it stuffing with a heavy pork content? I think so. I'm concerned by the apparent lack of cranberry and mayo on show, suggesting this could be a fairly dry sandwich. Indeed, when I lift the sanger out of the box, it does seem fairly dry on the outside. Harrods haven't bothered to give any contents information on the box- just what's in there, no proportional analysis. What are they trying to hide?

6

OVERALL FLAVOUR;

Bite. First flavour I get is really odd. It tastes a bit like paté. I think it might be what they are referring to as stuffing, but it definitely has a liver-like quality to it. It's not nice. The gobblefowl is sliced thinly, which is good as there's a greater surface area of it to bathe on your tonguepiece, and it is tasty. There's none of the regular sagey flavour of Christmas sandwiches, and there's not enough cranberry sweetness. It's a pretty dry experience altogether, and although they've used nice bread, the seeds on it sort of compound the dryness. It's like a satirical comment made by Wurzel Gummidge in July. Dry. It needs seasoning this sandwich. Not only salt and pepper, but most importantly, the season of goodwill. It doesn't taste Christmassy at all this, it tastes like a pensioner's picnic. The turkey and cranberry alone would be good, but the stuffing makes it all a bit livery, leaving a mucky texture around my mouth. Maybe Harrods use these sandwiches to smuggle out illegal foie-gras to their dedicated shoppers. Not for me thanks.

9

CONCLUSION;

I'm surprised at this. I was expecting overpriced and unfestive, but I was also expecting a nice taste. I did not get a nice taste. It tasted like I'd been fed it by an overbearing matron at a school for delinquent rich children in 1952. Is Christmas different in Knightsbridge?


12 SANDWICHES SCORING

FESTIVITY; 0
FILLING; 7.5
FLAVOUR; 4.5

OVERALL; 4

CSI; GREGGS

FESTIVITY OF PACKAGING;


Wow. This takes "not festive" to a whole new level. I guess the least festive thing that exists is the January credit card bill. Well, at least looking at that reminds you of Christmas. This packaging is the Christmas equivalent of leaving a casino at sunrise in the middle of July nursing a hangover and a dry mouth and wondering what a turkey is. The most festive thing about this packaging is the word "Christmas" and it's not even in a festive font. Because the whole wrapper is see-through, the predominant colour of the packaging is brown. Terrible. There's a bauble motif and a single golden star on the label, which just about manage to drag this away from simply being a sandwich in a box.

2/10

DEPTH OF FILLING;

I like the look of this. It's uneven, wanton almost. Centre loading of stuffing, which is a little silly because it distorts the sandwich, but I can also see there's a decent volume of turkey in there and they don't look shy on bacon or cranberry and no green abominations. There's the something of a free spirit about this sandwich, but I'm quite sure it doesn't annoyingly do fire-poi outside your tent at 4am.

7

RATIO OF FILLING;

Somewhere between decent and good. Under the turkey there, I can see a great deal of mayonnaise, but it's not spewing over the edges like a pubescent savoury volcano. The stuffing needs to be better distributed, but turkey to bacon seems good, as does actual amount of stuffing. Decent.

7

OVERALL FLAVOUR

Bite. Stuffing, initially. Strong flavour and texture, and it's definitely Paxo in nature. The textures all sit nicely in my mouthpiece, each chew a symphony for the teeth. I am struggling to taste turkey here, so strong and dominant is the stuffing. The bacon, too, succumbs under the weight of the stuffing. "WHY WONT YOU LOOK AT ME?!" the turkey screams at my tongue, as the stuffing continues its explicit dance in my mouth. "Because the stuffing got less on and she's shaking it right at me", I concede. Dejected, the pretty turkey puts on her cranberry and bacon two-piece back on and ambles back into the dressing room of my stomach, unnoticed. My tongue takes the stuffing home, wondering what might have been if the turkey had been just a little more forceful. That was the least-apt Christmas Sandwich parable I've come up with yet.

11

CONCLUSION

A hastily assembled sandwich that needed more respect for its contents. A good Christmas Sandwich is an ensemble, like Take That or Girls Aloud, where there's a definite best singer, but the other ones get a turn. This was Diana Ross and the Supremes. And the worst one of the Supremes was feeling bold.

*************************************************************************

12 SANDWICHES OF CHRISTMAS SCORING

FESTIVITY; 2
FILLING; 7
FLAVOUR; 5.5

OVERALL; 4.8

What I've been doing.

Hello everyone. Or one. I'm really not sure how many have looked at this. Not too many maybe.

For the last week or 10 days, I have been beavering away at CSI towers (my flat), putting together this year's reviews. I have so far eaten sandwiches from the following;

Boots
EAT
Marks and Spencer
Greggs
Sainsburys
Tesco
Tesco (Finest*)

These have been reviewed in full, and other sandwiches are scheduled for consumption soon. What's different to previous years, however, is that I have asked for help in the production of the final reviews. The good people at www.thepoke.co.uk have agreed to not only carry the review on their site, but also have committed to creating video reviews which will be released towards the end of November. The written reviews will also be available, in full, on this blog, but as this is the third year of the CSI, I felt it might be the time to try to increase awareness of the review system.

I would ask for your patience while these reviews are produced. Rest assured, you will know about how good the sandwiches out there are, well in time for Christmas. Until then, keep eating and please let me know how you find them.

I am very excited for the CSI, and the future of this most vital of public services. I hope very much to share my recent findings with you very soon indeed.

I'm now off to rehydrate and to peel cranberry skin off the roof of my mouth.

Thanks.