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I am told that a website have done a review of Christmas Sandwiches that they reckon is a definitive guide.

Well, I reckon it's bloody nonsense. And I should know.

The Christmas Sandwich Index- the beginners guide

Hello Christmas Sandwich fans. If you're reading this, it's because you are interested in Christmas Sandwiches, or interested in humouring me and making this actually rather excruciating endeavour seem, in some small way, a valid use of my time. Either way, thanks for getting this far.

To anyone unfamiliar with the Christmas Sandwich Index, it is best explained thus; I have developed a scoring system with which to properly evaluate the quality of the Christmas Sandwiches found on our high streets. It is in no way a conclusive system, but it's better than any other system you or anyone else can come up with, so it's pretty definitive as far as I am concerned. And I am really concerned.

There are 4 scoring categories;

• Festivity of packaging - the more festive the packaging, the higher the score.
• Depth of filling- the deeper the filling, the higher the score.
• Ratio of filling- the better balanced the filling, the higher the score.
• Overall flavour- the tastier the sandwich, the higher the score.

Pretty easy, eh? Now, the way I look at it is, the perfect Christmas Sandwich should, in essence, be the contents of a plate at 3pm on the 25th of December being scraped onto a slice of bread, with the added moistness of mayonnaise. Anything above and beyond that is nonsense. Hence, expect to see me get riled about the presence of such daftness as crispy onions, spinach, lambs lettuce etc. In short, if it's not something you'd have in your Christmas dinner, I'm going take points off for it.

That's about the height of it. If you have theories, please share them with me. If this is a collaborative effort, it makes me seem far less like I've got nothing of value in my life.