CSI; BOOTS

FESTIVITY

A deep red box, with the word "delicious" arrogantly splayed on it like the main one off of Mean Girls made it herself after prom. It also says "created by food lovers", but it doesn't say "for a joke" or anything afterwards, so it's clear this sandwich has pretty high opinion of itself. Which, for a package that posting only a heavily regimented pattern of snowflaked baubles, as if placed there by Kim Jung Il himself, is pretty fucking punchy. Not festive enough, and the font is rubbish.

5

DEPTH

Quite reasonable. In keeping with the Great Leader motif, the fillings are uniformly spread out and reach to the edges. There's a weave of bacon and a certain collagen quality to the greenery, which I sense may be slightly deceitful. The bread itself is thicker than many I've seen, so this all may be conspiring to create a fuller sandwich than is actually present. There is a hint of the old "collapsed domino" formation in the turkey, which again is boosting the thickness. I think this is the festive sandwich equivalent to a wonderbra.

6

RATIO

Oh. I had to remove the bread segments like peeling an elastoplast from an armpit. It looks like a slice of bread has been seasoned from a great height by roughly cut pieces of food. It's almost as if they expected the bacon to go to seed in there and sprout more bacon to make up for it. I cant see any stuffing. I can see Peter Rabbit's lunch. The depth WAS deceptive, as I predicted. This is a sparsely loaded sanger. I'll need two rich teas with butter after this, and then another two dry ones to dip in my mug of milk. I look at the ratios in the nutritional information. They are a law unto themselves. A bad law. An outlaw. Flaw.

5

OVERALL FLAVOUR

Bite. Bread. Bread. Hint of bacon. Bread. Still chewing. This sandwich isnt so much dry as "airy". But not pleasant, like a room in a converted barn, but like someone has inflated it with a bacon fart. Bite. Finally get some turkey, which is actually quite reasonable, but sits in splendid isolation. No connection with the bacon or cranberry. And where's the stuffing? Nowhere in my mouth, that's for sure. The turkey itself is good, the sandwich is poor. No cohesion. Nothing to make it anything more than a disparate buffet served up on a yeasty lilo. Hang on- whooosh! I am broadsided by an odd, exceptionally unappealing flavour. Bang! It feels like old mother spinach has stepped onto her front doorstep and sluiced a load of onion into my mouth. Iron, sage and nausea spin me into a vertical dive and, when I do a burp, it feels as though my oesophagus has just lifted the lid off a compost bin. No thanks.

9

12 SANDWICHES OF CHRISTMAS SCORING

FESTIVITY; 5

FILLING; 5.5

FLAVOUR; 4.5

OVERALL- 5

No. Some of the ingredients are fine, but this is a bad sandwich. Like I said, when I'm happy buying condoms from Greggs, that's when I'll buy sandwiches from Boots.